An open apology to the both of us. For how long it took me to let things go.

“There’s a luggage limit for every passenger on a flight. The same rules apply to your life. You must eliminate some baggage before you can fly.”

–Rosalind Johnson

As I sit here with what feels like the weight of a thousand stones pressed against my chest, I know it’s finally time to let you go. Despite the amount of time it has taken, I finally realize that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of friendship and love that you so reluctantly provided.

My mind has always known you’re no good for me, that inevitably you’d serve as an anchor, and my heart is finally tired of clinging to the version of you that I wanted you to be. It got to a point where I felt like having you in my life entailed me being less me, being less vibrant, shining a little less, and dimming my glow. I wanted you to like me so bad that I offered up my self worth in replace of your approval. For so long I became consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were the only thing that could save me. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up and save me. I was wrong. I now realize your hand was never there to save me, but rather there to push my head deeper below the surface. YOU WERE MY DARKNESS and it took me too long to realize this.

I don’t hate you, though. Instead I want to say thank you.

Every now and then I do still think about what you did but now I simply try and let it go.  I don’t have room, time, desire or energy to think about the hurt. You see, in the process of me losing you I found myself, and though it was a difficult process I learned a lot along the way. I learned how to truly forgive because of you, and how to truly love myself. So thank you for hurting me the way you did, because without it I would not be who I am today. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best, worst thing to happen to me. So thank you for all the pain you caused, and for breaking me down so I had the opportunity to build myself back up, better than before. Thank you for the tears you made me cry, and for all the times you made me feel like I was not good enough. Just thank you for simply being you and all that came with that.

I do sincerely hope you find happiness, peace, and love. I do hope that your life works out, and just know I don’t regret you. I choose to send you forgiveness, because you, my friend, need it the most. No one who comes from a good loving place treats people the way you do. I feel sad for you but there is hope. People can change. I did. Somehow you not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting me. The pain you caused provided me with the power of self-improvement.  You taught me how to be told I wasn’t loved and choose not to be destroyed by it. You helped to make me strong.  You will probably never read this, but if for some reason you do, you’ll understand I won’t be shedding anymore tears for you because there is no place for you in my heart anymore. Ever since I started letting you go, I’ve never felt more alive.